Trafalgar 2005....

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Trafalgar 2005....
« on: February 09, 2007, 04:59:33 PM »
THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR - 2005 version

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal
officer.What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunity
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.
And, they said that a rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."


Nelson: "In that case .kiss me, Hardy."

 ;D ;D
On va leur percer le flanc

Re: Trafalgar 2005....
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2007, 06:12:13 AM »
LMAO :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Very funny Well done
http://www.stvincent.ac.uk/Heritage/1797/people/jervis.html

Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, stop thinking and go. - Napoleon Bonaparte

Re: Trafalgar 2005....
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2007, 08:45:53 AM »
Hehe aye Good stuff :D



-AggonyLion{Leo}
-[PVI]KGL Marschall Leo

Re: Trafalgar 2005....
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2007, 09:54:30 PM »
Very funny indeed. That would seem very much like a monty python skit to me.
--
Adriano :police:
The Greatest Thing Since Napoleon,
Adriano

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Dhekelian

Re: Trafalgar 2005....
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2007, 05:35:47 PM »
Hahaha, I think the Goons would have done it better, lol. O0

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Offline Sharpe

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Re: Trafalgar 2005....
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2007, 07:47:22 PM »
Lol very gd

 :police:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do & die

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Offline Scipio

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Re: Trafalgar 2005....
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2007, 08:09:56 AM »
Good job  45
Well! Uh? No..

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Offline Sir_William

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Re: Trafalgar 2005....
« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2008, 11:25:45 AM »
lol bravo, i hate all the rules and regulations of today it makes it really hard to do anything in the military
A flatterer is a friend who is your inferior, or pretends to be so.
Aristotle